DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for more than 40 years. Since he retired a couple of years ago, it has come to my attention that he has been getting mail at a separate private mailbox. I don’t see a good reason for this, and it is weighing on me heavily.
I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, but I’m concerned. He sees all our bills and evidently pays other ones I’m not aware of. Because of this, I feel like a second-class citizen who is too stupid to know all the ins and outs of our finances.
Because I don’t see anything he buys or pays for, I remain in the dark. Conversely, he sees where every penny I spend goes. It’s not that he isn’t generous; I lack for nothing. It’s that he is secretive. (I don’t think he is into porn or something else nefarious.)
At this stage in my marriage, have you any advice for me? If I confront him, I’m not confident he would give me all the information. Am I being too demanding? Should I let sleeping dogs lie? — IN THE DARK IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR IN THE DARK: Unless you want to become like so many unfortunate women whose husbands keep the details of their finances from “the little woman,” you will tell your husband you want to know how much money you both have, how it is invested and where it goes. If he is resistant, explain that women usually outlive their husbands, and you do not want to be caught flat-footed in addition to grieving in the event of his demise. If your marriage is as strong as you describe, he should recognize the wisdom in it. Right now the mailbox is the least of your worries. Save that conversation for another time.